Monday, April 15, 2013

news item

North Korea Backs Down to Avoid Conflict with U.S. "Gun Nuts"

PYONGYANG -- North Korean leader Kim Jong-un backpedaled on threats to attack the United States this week, citing the recent debate in America over gun control as a leading factor in the decision. Said a high-ranking official for the Asian nation, "After weeks of making plans to invade, we've come to realize that we simply underestimated the resistance our troops would encounter from ridiculously overarmed gun nuts."

The official then went on to say, "We had seen the statistics on gun violence and gun ownership in America and just assumed the numbers were inflated for propaganda purposes, like we've done reporting the size and prowess of our military. But go and threaten to enact sensible restrictions that 85% of the population supports and these guys just come out of the woodwork. We had no idea so many of your citizens were armed to the teeth just for hunting and self-defense purposes. The last thing the glorious nation of North Korea wants to do is land an invading force on American soil only to be met by a sea of rednecks with AR-15s."

The announcement was a victory for gun rights activists who have made a lot of hay arguing the importance of gun ownership as a deterrent against any force that would threaten our freedoms, including threats made by foreign powers.

Monday, April 8, 2013

simmer down, now

Kim Jong-un, you so crazy.

No, look--I get it. Your father left some big crazy shoes to fill, and now you feel like you have to look like a big man so your people will respect your authority. That's all well and good, but you're seriously treading some dangerous waters right now, getting all up in America's grill the way you are.

You have a nuclear program? Son, we invented nukes. If you have any doubts about the shitstorm we could rain down on you, just ask the survivors of Hiroshima or Nagasaki...if you can find any. You think North Korea is depressing now? Wait until it's a smoldering pile of rubble. Or, you know, you could just chillax for five minutes.

You say we're your arch nemesis? I'm sorry, who are you again? We had a real arch nemesis for a while during the Cold War. Remind me again--who won that thing? Oh, right. We did. And I hate to break it to you, but you're no Soviet Union.

And didn't we do this already in the 1950s? They made a TV show about it with wise-cracking medics. We got Alan Alda out of the deal. What more could we hope to gain?

If you think next-door-neighbor and last bastion of Communism China is going to have your back on this, think again. They want us to be around to pay back the money we owe them. Even Castro is cocking a bemused eyebrow at you. You're in way over your head, and there's no shame in admitting that. Just fess up that all this saber-rattling was a big misunderstanding and we can go back to pretending you don't exist. Trust me, that's the best case scenario for you--Obama has been really drone-happy lately.