Monday, April 8, 2013

simmer down, now

Kim Jong-un, you so crazy.

No, look--I get it. Your father left some big crazy shoes to fill, and now you feel like you have to look like a big man so your people will respect your authority. That's all well and good, but you're seriously treading some dangerous waters right now, getting all up in America's grill the way you are.

You have a nuclear program? Son, we invented nukes. If you have any doubts about the shitstorm we could rain down on you, just ask the survivors of Hiroshima or Nagasaki...if you can find any. You think North Korea is depressing now? Wait until it's a smoldering pile of rubble. Or, you know, you could just chillax for five minutes.

You say we're your arch nemesis? I'm sorry, who are you again? We had a real arch nemesis for a while during the Cold War. Remind me again--who won that thing? Oh, right. We did. And I hate to break it to you, but you're no Soviet Union.

And didn't we do this already in the 1950s? They made a TV show about it with wise-cracking medics. We got Alan Alda out of the deal. What more could we hope to gain?

If you think next-door-neighbor and last bastion of Communism China is going to have your back on this, think again. They want us to be around to pay back the money we owe them. Even Castro is cocking a bemused eyebrow at you. You're in way over your head, and there's no shame in admitting that. Just fess up that all this saber-rattling was a big misunderstanding and we can go back to pretending you don't exist. Trust me, that's the best case scenario for you--Obama has been really drone-happy lately.

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